Friday I started thinking about the upcoming Mothers Day Sunday May 8th, and the current state of the black family. I met a woman last week in her mid fifties who asked me, “what is this new trend for young black women in your age group to have children but not get married?” I told her I think its a combination of things, first as a society we don’t have the necessity to get married as our mothers and grandmothers did, economically a number of us know we can survive without a husband so we go it alone. We saw our mothers do it alone and we turned out fine right? (Wrong) but also there are a lot of men who are ok being fathers but not ok being husbands so even if a woman with a child wants to marry her child’s father that option may not be available. She told me those are all interesting reasons but it divides the family.

So I put on my thinking cap. What can we as mothers do to not only reclaim the black family but also institute some necessary structure.

As we all know the black family structure has been in dire straights for a while, black women are less likely to be married as compared to their white and hispanic counterparts with more babies being born out of wedlock to black mothers than any other ethnicity and that fact being made quite public with something very simple. A last name.

Illegitimate children become very obvious when your last name is Smith, your daughters last name is Ross and your sons last name is Jones. Traditionally in the culture of my West Indian island of Barbados if you had a child with someone and weren’t married to him the child received the mothers last name, not the fathers. Therefore no matter how many kids you had out of wedlock, no one would ever know because you all shared the same FAMILY name: SMITH.  I started to think about this tradition at the birth of my first child and initially rejected the idea but after being haggled by family members I did outfit my daughter with both my last name and her fathers with all her school records in my last name…

Now that I’m older I totally get it and probably wouldn’t have added her fathers name at all looking back and I hope other young moms will start to get it too.

Mothers, we know fatherless-ness is a major issue in our community, but WE are the gatekeepers of the family and WE have to keep our business out of the street and protect our children. Fatherless-ness is a already a heavy cross bear, why voluntarily add another layer of psychological division?

Many single mothers sub-consciously are still awaiting on the black man to come lead and hope that he will reinstate the family structure by marrying you as his child’s mother… As noble as that sounds it is not a reality that everyone should depend on.

We should have all figured out two things by now.. Men move at their own pace so giving a child his last name is not going to encourage him to get there any faster…secondly mothers, grandmothers, great grandmothers have always been the real leaders of the family, some quite silently some quite vocally.

I understand women in relationships often feel pressures from fathers who want the children you birth for them to have their last name but why? Why should you give up the option of one family name? Particularly if you don’t live together? and have made no commitment towards being an entire FAMILY and how many of those fathers are by your side today? How long after the birth of the child were you forced to raise the child alone… Now here you are honoring a person who isnt even actively involved… Passing on a last name is a honor and is one that should be reserved for those who not only deserve it but earn it as well, post deilvery.

“Mommys baby, daddys maybe” is a term I heard so often growing up.. That constant reminder that unless you are a complete dead beat mom, at the end of the day child rearing is your burden to bear… Being that we know this fact in advance we need to do more proactively to embrace it.

Moms need to celebrate themselves and keep their families intact… More than just physically but emotionally and psychologically too… Having numerous last names in your home psychologically creates an unnecessary divide… No one belongs, because everyone’s name is different. I can remember growing up living with my grandmother amd wanting to change my last name to her last name so badly because her whole family had that name.. I wanted to feel included in the family as well.

Mothers Creating a HOME, is about  more than just having nice dishes and sheets. It’s time we embrace tradition for once and make sure your household has a FAMILY name. YOUR NAME…. Until you get married.. It may not be the ultimate solution, but its definitely a step in the right direction.

xoxo

Carrie